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Confused about the Cosmos? Don't know which way to turn? The Mysterious Madame Lucille knows all...
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) As someone whose birthday falls between Hannukah and Superbowl Sunday, you're used to being unnoticed and unloved. Madame Lucille understands, but says it's time for you to stand out from the crowd. Resolve to begin wearing loud-colored shirts and drenching yourself in cheap cologne. If that doesn't get you noticed, try shouting and waving your arms.
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) Don't be such a Gloomy Gus. Madame Lucille strongly advises you to start enjoying life. Why not go out to a parade? When you see the Seattle Seafair Pirates, invite them into your home for steak and potatoes, and all the beer they can drink. Your generosity will not go unnoticed.
PISCES (February 19 - March 20) Madame Lucille urges you to broaden your horizons. Try consuming 3 quarts of chocolate chip cookie-dough ice-cream every morning at breakfast. Madame Lucille says if that doesn't broaden you, nothing will.
ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Pay close attention to your finances. Madame Lucille advises you to gather up all your valuables including jewelry, stock certificates, your kids' piggy bank and your mother-in-law's wallet, place them in a nice sturdy mayonnaise jar, and bury them in the back yard. Then, make a detailed map showing exactly where these treasures are buried, and send the map along with your home address to the Seattle Seafair Pirates for safe keeping.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) The year 2003 doesn't look good for you, Taurus. Telemarketers, computer viruses, stubborn rust stains and rude little children with Silly-String will make life practically unbearable. Madame Lucille says to stay in your bunk and don't talk to anyone for the rest of the year.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) You were born under the sign of the twins. Madame Lucille says you should have two of everything (it's in the stars!) If someone offers you a cookie, take two. If someone offers to buy you a drink, order two. If the IRS sends you a refund check...you get the idea.
CANCER (June 22 - July 22) Cancer!? You're named after an incurable disease, for crying out loud! That is positively disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. Madame Lucille wants you to write five hundred times on a piece of paper "I am ashamed of myself, I am ashamed of myself..."
LEO (July 23 to August 22nd or 23rd, I can't remember which) Madame Lucille's first husband was a Leo, AND HE WAS A BUM! If you are a Leo, you must be a bum too, and Madame Lucille has nothing more to say to you.
VIRGO (August 20-something to September something) Virgo is SUCH a nice sign. Madame Lucille has always liked Virgos...she used to be one herself. Madame Lucille wants you to take good care of yourself, eat plenty of vegetables, wear a sweater when you go outside, and for goodness sake, don't associate with any good-for-nothing Leo bums.
LIBRA (September something til sometime in October I think) Now is the perfect time to do something you've been putting off for a long time. Stop procrastinating and invite the Seattle Seafair Pirates into your home for steak and potatoes and all the beer they can drink. Madame Lucille says you'll thank yourself.
SCORPIO (October...November...who cares?) Madame Lucille would like to point out that you can't get down from an elephant, but you CAN get down from a duck.
SAGITTARIUS (You figure it out) Madame Lucille admits that it's often impossible to see the stars in Seattle, and sometimes she can't even hazard a guess. So if you who were born under the sign of Sagittarius, you are welcome make up your own horoscope. Write it down on a 3" by 5" card and place it in an envelope along with $10 in cash and send it to Madame Lucille, care of the Seattle Seafair Pirates, for safe keeping.
Madame Lucille is a real live psychic and will most likely turn you into a frog if you scoff at any of her predictions. Beware, beware beware...
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